by Miguel E. Rodriguez
DIRECTOR: Mike Hodges
CAST: Sam J. Jones, Melody Anderson, Max von Sydow, Topol, Timothy Dalton, Brian Blessed
MY RATING: 2/10
ROTTEN TOMATOMETER: 83% Certified Fresh
PLOT: A hotshot quarterback for the New York Jets, an aviophobic travel agent, and a borderline-mad scientist try to save the Earth from the evil cosmic emperor Ming the Merciless.
I could try to intellectualize myself into analytical knots to explain why Flash Gordon is not a good film, but that’s not really in question, even to its fans. Aficionados readily affirm its badness, its cheesiness, its willingness to go so far over the top it’s on its way up the other side. That’s WHY they like it. “I enjoy it for what it is,” a fan told me recently.
Well, after watching it for a third time, mildly against my will, I can easily say that I know and understand what Flash Gordon is, but I still can’t find it in myself to enjoy it the way so many others do. I remember being amazed by it when I was 10 or 11, but that was a very long time ago, and watching it now gives me no more enjoyment than what I might get from eating a stick of Fruit Stripe® chewing gum. I get a burst of flavor when I hear the iconic Queen score and/or theme song, but the rest is like chewing on a wad of overdone steak. That this movie came from the same director as the gritty Get Carter (1971) is flabbergasting.
Do I really need to summarize the story? No. I’m sure anyone who’s taking the time to read this has already seen the movie, so I’ll just assume we all know how cheesy the plot is. I was informed by a fellow Cinemaniac that what we see on film is all taken from the first, and only, draft of the screenplay. Brother, I believe it.
The only thing worse than the so-called dialogue is the quality of the so-called visual effects. Now, I’m prepared to forgive low-quality VFX from older films when there’s a story I can care about, but when Flash Gordon’s filmmakers ask the audience to suspend their disbelief when a supposedly distant city is being bombarded by what looks like Roman candles, or any number of equally absurd VFX shots…I can’t do it. I laugh, and not in a “I’m-having-fun” kind of way.
Before you ask, yes, there ARE bad movies that are SO bad that I actually recommend them to people simply BECAUSE of their badness. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010), for example, which features a scene where the heroes are being attacked by a huge number of Windows Clip-Art. Or the uber-terrible Troll 2 (1990), which gives new meaning to the word I just made up, “corn-ography.” However, some films either cross an invisible line or fall short of it, I don’t know which, and are so bad that I can’t enjoy or recommend them. For example, the infamous The Room (2003), which was such an unpleasant viewing experience that I didn’t even enjoy the movie about its making, The Disaster Artist (2017).
That’s where Flash Gordon sits for me. It’s terribly cheesy and campy, but it’s either not cheesy enough, or it’s TOO cheesy, for me to enjoy myself while watching it. There may be a cerebral, intellectual way for me to try to parse the reaction I have to it, but if there is, I can’t think of it.
I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching one actor out of the entire cast, who seemed to be having way more fun than was needed or expected. No, not Max von Sydow, whose sneering turn as Ming the Merciless is a master-class in remaining professional in the face of lunacy. (Timothy Dalton deserves kudos for doing the same as the stoic Prince Barin.) No, I’m referring to Brian Blessed as Prince Vultan, whose screeching battle cry will forever be stored in my memory banks: “Hawkmen…DIIIIIIIIVE!!!” Examine his performance next time you watch the movie. Look at his face, his eyes, the canyon of his mouth when he laughs. There is a sparkle of delight that, to me, reveals someone who has realized the only way to stop himself from firing his agent is to go completely, full-blown, bull-moose gonzo. Everyone else is playing it straight, or attempting to. Brian Blessed is the only one who seems to be having any fun. What a different movie this might have been if EVERYONE had taken his cue. Alas.
To the fans of this film, I don’t apologize for my point of view, but I do admit to a tiny, VERY tiny, twinge of regret that I can’t see past its shortcomings enough to enjoy it the way its fan base does. For me, it’s two hours of tedium enlivened only occasionally by a random chuckle or a smile when Queen’s music makes an appearance. And by Brian Blessed’s manic smile. DIIIIIIIIIVE!!!
[editor’s note: this review appears only by special request from the author’s best friend. You’re welcome, Marc.]
